What the Smollett…

By: Ali Benz

I need to come clean: I walked around with a black smudge on my forehead on Ash Wednesday for personal gain. It wasn’t that serious, I just had to convince my trainer I gave up cardio for Lent. Genius, I know, but if I was a celeb it might’ve been cultural appropriation or some sh*t. It also didn’t help that I work out at the Jewish Community Center.

My little ash stunt wasn’t nearly as bad as recent scandals. I feel like we live in the Purge. Never seen that movie but I assume it goes something like this. There are literally no consequences for anything—especially if you have money. Jussie Smollett got away with his fake hate crime for the small price of 10k. Pretty good deal for a staged attack, don’t ya think? Must have been Black Friday (not a pun).

The Mueller Report essentially exonerated President Trump. This was a bigger let down than 7/11’s ban on Mango Juul pods. It’s fine that they found no collusion etc., but like why be so dramatic about it? There was this huge build-up for literally nothing. Does Robby Muellz just like the spotlight? Everybody is a star these days; My dog, hot lawyers, idiots on Summer House that blackout in the Hamptons—anyone. And it’s not even their fault. All of us want a story, so they give us a show. It doesn’t matter what’s wrong and what’s right, just keep it interesting.

Aunt Becky did not disappoint. Lori Loughlin bribed USC to enroll her daughter and now she’s more relevant than ever. She might even get a show! I tried to bribe a teacher once and he reported me. Still unsure how “If you round that up to a 90 I’ll cover your tab” is inappropriate, but I guess that’s what happens when you bump into your professor at a Ruby Tuesday. Although Loughlin’s “influencer” daughter, Olivia Jade, lost her make-up sponsors, she’s still winning in my book. I have literally never heard of her. Now I’m writing about her. I got waitlisted from USC and I slipped a twenty in my application but nobody wants to talk about that now do they? OJ (can I call her that?) slips a casual 500k with her Common App and all of a sudden she’s a BFD. Go big or go home I guess. Tragic.

Hate to bring up this rando again, but Jordyn Woods—WTF?! This girl dragged us through a devastating cheating scandal and now she’s America’s next top model? I fought for you, Jordyn! I cried and battled multiple strangers on the internet for you, Jordyn! Where is the loyalty? You played me for a fool, Jordyn! But you knew what you were doing. You caught the scandal bug. I respect it, considering you drop-kicked the Kardashians, shed a few tears for the people back home, then rose to fame overnight. I just wish some of us got the same treatment: When Woods blacks out at a party and hooks up with someone, she calls Will Smith. When my friends blackout at a guy’s party, we call Planned Parenthood. I just feel like it’s slightly unfair but whatever.

One minor step backward, two huge steps forward. Give us a good scam and we’ll sling you to stardom. I finally get why they say no publicity is bad publicity. Keep the people talking. I just wish my therapist understood. Every time I get kicked out of a bar she says I need to quit drinking. Jokes on her because all of downtown has been talking about me for weeks. If my calculations are correct I should be a star by noon.

 

PSA: Failure Becomes Success

By: Ali Benz

Not sure if it’s because my mom signed me up for a 21-day meditation with Deepak Chopra or because I’ve been binge-watching The Bachelor, but I’m feeling extra positive today. Sit back while I spread some awareness. Hopefully this informational blog will help you follow your dreams or at least inspire you to do reality television. Welcome to my Ted Talk.

If you’re alive right now, congrats. You live in a world where everything you do is publicized and rated. Nothing is real. Some may say it’s a simulation. Some may also be on acid. The point is, this digital age is a blessing and a curse. Where it was once only possible to gain fame and fortune through talent and skill, it is now just as easy through failure and exposure. Not following? Allow me to explain:

The other night I was googling if I could ride in the HOV lane with my dog. You can’t. I did. Why? The Bachelor. I needed to get home in time for the finale. Tragic, but true. I don’t care about Colton or who he deflowers, etc. My excitement was strictly in seeing the girls that lost. Those are the real stars. The wild ones who will continue to shine through failure, absurdity, and sometimes nudity.  They’re set for life and we can’t get enough.

Do I think Chris Harrison is that inspirational? No, but it does go to show that it never hurts to put yourself out there. How does that stupid quote go? “Reach for the moon, even if you miss you land with stars” or some BS?  I used to think it was just some obnoxious banner in the classroom, but as I’ve gotten older and wiser, I’ve realized it’s really about reality TV. All those failed bachelorettes have landed stardom, and that’s what they were trying to teach us all those years in middle school. Thanks Mrs. B.

Still not buying it? How about Bar Rescue, ever heard of it? My dream has always been to open a bar (since about two weeks ago) and now I know that I can and I should. Here’s why: The business will most likely be a success because I’m a professional at alcohol. However, in the slight chance it fails, the world will do me one better. They will send in a screaming Jon Taffer and make me a celebrity overnight. It’s a win-win in my opinion. SHUT IT THE F*CK DOWN. Thanks Jon.

One (wo)man’s trash is another (wo)man’s treasure, and one’s pain is another’s pleasure. I’ll be here all night. I’ve got sayings for days on my vision board. Remember, those who can do; and those who can’t, go viral.  Just make sure it’s always recorded and it’s always the most dramatic season ever.

Repeat this mantra:  If I do anything stupid in a Walmart, I will end up on Ellen.

If I do anything stupid in a Walmart, I will end up on Ellen.

If I do anything stupid in a Walmart, I will end up on Ellen.

 

Namaste.