Silicon Valley: WTF is it? And what to do when they show up in your town

By: Ali Benz

What is Silicon Valley? Why is it a Silicon Valley and why is it showing up in my town? I’m honestly not too sure what this is, but I will try to break it down and provide preventive measures. We need to know the signs and stay vigilant. Aside from your old friend Derrick who went to Cornell and has made Bitcoin a personality trait, what do we really know about a valley like this?

From minimal research, I discovered it’s called Silicon Valley because it refers to the hub in Santa Clara in Northern California where they use semiconductors made from silicon for microprocessors (whatever the fuck that means). This is a place where Sili boyz (do they call themselves that?) and Sili girls go to form their tech startups since they are in close proximity to cheap computer chip materials and cheap land. Basically, this is a place where tech junkies go to form their ~edgy~ startups and their cute little apps. I assume it’s the same people that sit on Xbox all day and scream at each other. The only X I want to box is the guy who got me permanently banned from Uber. #Tragic

So, can a Silicon Valley pop up anywhere? Even on my chest? Great question. Apparently so! It seems these conies have gone AWOL. They now show up anywhere and deem it the new Silicon Valley. It’s actually genius. Recently it seems a bunch of techies paused Fortnite, showed up in Miami, and decided it was the new Sili V. I can’t imagine the look on Pitbull’s face when a bunch of venture capitalists dressed in sequin showed up to his city and called it a hub. No, Mr. 305 does not want to fund your stem cell research.

It might look fun to have the startup geeks raid your town but you must beware: Know your rights. If a guy tells you to download his new app you are allowed to say no. Legally, they cannot make you download anything. Even if they get romantic and say it’s in Beta mode and you’ll be one of the first users, do NOT fall for it. You are just a number. Save the space on your phone for something useful like DoorDash.

Think dating a conie might be fun? Think again! Their money is tied up in crypto. Have fun ordering a virtual martini. Do not mansplain NFTs to me. I will forever pretend to know what that is to protect my soul. We’re so vulnerable these days. Sili boyz don’t need to find love because they have an avatar waiting for them in the metaverse. Try competing with a customized pixel. Talk about unattainable body image.

I might sound angry but I’m really not. I’m actually excited for my town to become “The Next Silicon Valley.” My new favorite thing to do is refer to wherever I am as the next SV and see what people say. Usually they hop on board and I’m able to turn any town into a valley. The conies act fast. Either way, now you know the signs. Stay safe, educate yourself, and if you hear the word “blockchain” run for the hills.

Casamigos On The Ice

By: Ali Benz

Reality star Brett Kavanaugh made it very clear that he likes beer. Boys and girls like beer. V cool revelation. I, however, only drink Casamigos. I could go on about its vanilla undertones and sh*t, but seriously, you’ve got to try this tequila. Life-changing.

If you didn’t blow all of your summer money on Juul pods and sparkling seltzer, chances are you’re back on your bullsh*t. With this cold weather approaching, we are all gearing up in our best liquor blankets. No coat-check necessary.

As I made my triumphant return to nightlife, strictly for investigative journalism purposes, I grew extremely disappointed. Finding: people are still ordering bottles of Vodka to the table. I don’t care that your Tito’s is gluten-free, Sebastían, I want some f*cking Tequila. More specifically: Casamigos.

When I asked if any good alcohol would be coming, this uncultured swine of a bottle girl offered me a shot of Patrón. Tragic. I mean, did I take it? Yeah—there are sober children in Africa. I’m not a monster. But it was awful. My palette is clearly way too refined.

At least it wasn’t Vodka. Tequila comes from the agave plant and is way better for you according to, like, science…and Pitbull. Dalé.

If only Casamigos knew how much (of other people’s) money I’ve spent on their products. Maybe then they wouldn’t have left me on read when I slid in the DM. Over it.

Anyway, if you don’t idolize Mr. 305 the way I do, then maybe you should know that this tequila was founded/blessed by silver-fox George Clooney himself. So, if you’re having trouble stomaching silver-sex-offender Kavanaugh this week, grab yourself a bottle of Georgie’s Casamigos, and try to black-out the way poor little Brettski never could.