ESB: Emotional Support Boyfriend

By: Ali Benz

We’ve now made it to Thanksgiving and I hate to break it to you, but if you haven’t secured a bf/gf by now, it’s safe to say you are single for the holidays. Times up. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, it just means you have no excuse when you return to your hometown and that one kid from high school hits you up on Facebook messenger and asks if you want to play beer pong in his stepmom’s basement.  Also, you are guaranteed the couch while your wifed-up siblings are blessed with whatever childhood bedroom wasn’t turned into an office/gym.

If you did snag a companion before December, you could be playing a dangerous game. After 2020, it seems that everyone’s type is the same: an emotional support boyfriend that will temporarily cure your seasonal depression and follow you around like a lost puppy. It’s kind of genius, and way cheaper than therapy.

Kim Kardashian is a prime example. She recently got divorced from Kanye West and was heading into holiday season stag—but not so fast! Pete Davidson saved the day. The scruffy, loveable SNL star has become Kim K’s best accessory. Who would’ve thought such an established lawyer would need this reinforcement? After a very public breakup and the constant stress of balancing nude photoshoots with litigation, she needed to get herself a Pete. He is the perfect combo of musty and precious. He’s just like my service dog, Lola, who only bathes every couple of weeks and walks outside barefoot but gets to sleep in the bed because she’s cute and makes me smile.

The Law Offices of Kim Kardashian-West were not the first to discover an ESB. Big sis Kourtney Kardashian paved the way when she latched onto America’s bad boy Travis Barker. Not sure if he’s really a “bad boy” I just don’t know anything about this vampire-drummer specifically because the year is no longer 2006. Unfortunately, the stress of being North West’s aunt and running Poosh has taken a toll on the firstborn. Somebody check on Rob. Kourt found the perfect emotional support boyfriend to lean on in these hard times. She adopted her own personal little drummer boy to bring home for the holidays and coddle her while Caitlyn discusses her stance on gay marriage over a Christmas ham. Tragic.

As for me, I’m still in the market for an ESB of my own. It might be too late, so I’m willing to be someone’s ESG—as long as their family makes good food and lives in a tropical location. Especially if that Omicron variant is creeping in. Time to get that booster shot and cozy up with someone unstable. It’s that or listen to a ten-minute Taylor Swift song while crying about your ex and cyber-bullying Jake Gyllenhal. Did anyone ever find that scarf? Could be used as a nice mask against Omicron (Taylor’s Version).