Mercury is Not in Retrograde

This has been an all-around weird week. I don’t know what it is, but something is off, so much so that I even googled if Mercury was in Retrograde, and I don’t even know WTF that means. And it’s not.


Maybe it’s because I pre-gamed my Orange Theory class last night and got a minor concussion, or maybe it’s that Donald Trump finally texted me back, but I have not been able to think straight. For example, my dad just called and asked if I keep up with “The Moth.” I got super excited and was like, “OMG yes the memes with the lamps?!” There was a long, uncomfortable pause, and then he told me “The Moth” is actually an NPR segment, not a platform for the top moth memes in the country. He then carried on being a disappointed father. JK (I think)

Like most basic b*tches, my Lululemons and I went to Starbucks this morning for a cold brew. I was feeling wild, so I asked the cashier to throw in a spinach feta rap as well. She came back empty-handed and was like, “We only have one left”, and so I was like “Ok b*tch, hand it over.” As she rang it up, she looked me dead in the eyes and goes, “Are you sure you wanna do that?” and I’m just standing there panicking like yes, keep it down. I’m usually more alert but I fell for the trap when she asked for my name. Once they were done sautéing and flambéing my wrap in their luxury microwave, this girl has the nerve to yell, “Last spinach-feta wrap for ALI. Last one, for Ali!” and then literally hand-delivers it to me. I could feel the death stares from all surrounding basic b*tches in identical Lululemons. They practically shamed me out of my local Starbucks. Now I know how it feels to be Ted Cruz at a diner.

I’m also just realizing that this post is more basic than tragic, but, I’m too concussed and hungover from gluten-free pumpkin beer to care. F*ck. Not helping my case. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good weekend, except for Colin Kaepernick. Nothing political, I just hate his face.


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